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F (46) year old was sexually assaulted by my 13 year old foster son last week (I think?) So we fortified the doors and I'm locked in my room.
Bare with me, I may ramble but that's because I was on suicide watch last night for Michael my foster son. All I've ever wanted was children. I didn't meet my husband until I was 40, I had PCOS which makes it harder to get pregnant and usually multiple miscarriages. When I met my husband I was done being the woman who took care of the man financially. I was $200 short of my bills every month. I was desperate to move because my fiance cheated on me so I kicked him out. I was also his in home care giver so I lost over a $1,000 a month in income and 70 lbs in 3 months. He had started a fight with my family and I chose him over them so when he left me I was alone. My friend who had spent her life as a "pastor" didn't approve of me trying to online date to alieve the loneliness I felt at home ALONE. She went from Daddy to husband, both supported by Daddy. So she stopped answering my calls and sent me a Dear John letter on FB and then blocked me. Her reason was that she couldn't sit by and watch me continue to get hurt. Now I really was ALONE. I moved to a little town to work at the new Ross Dress for Less. Three months later I met my husband on Plenty of Fish. I really want to write a FUCK YOU letter to my former best friend. My husband (36) was a virgin when I met him so there were issues with him bring able to ejaculate. I found out it's actually a common problem, when I googled it. We were married one year later on May 3rd, 2014. I knew that I had serious kidney stones in both my kidneys but I was asymptomatic but I did not realize they were multiplying. After many tears, trips to urgent care, an ultrasound, they finally did an x-ray. April 2015 I had multiple kidney operations to remove the stones. June and July 2015 I'm finally feeling normal and pain free. If you've had kidney stones you can imagine the pain I had been in off and on for months. July 2015, due to my time off work, unpaid, we were forced to file bankruptcy. Through all of this my husband amazed me by rising to the challenge. August 2015 I start getting random stomach pains. The pain continues to get worse. I would double over in my chair at work, stuck in a fetal position and running to the bathroom. Finally someone orders a CT scan. January 2016 as I'm driving the 20 minute commute to the Dr. Office for an urgent appointment, two days after my biopsy, I remember thinking these are the last 20 minutes I have of hope before I'm told it's cancer. I knew before he opened his mouth. I knew when the urgent Care Dr was elusive in answering my question as to what would cause my lymph nodes to be enlarged. He referred me to my Dr. I've had 3 biopsies in the past and really wasn't that concerned. In November, four months before my diagnoses, I told everyone not to do gifts because I knew there was something seriously wrong, deadly wrong. My husband cried all the time. Not a man who likes to give hugs or cuddle, he would spoon me every night and cry silently until the back of my shirt was soaked. February 2016 I start Chemotherapy. May 1st, the day of our first date. May 3rd our two year anniversary. May 5th my 43rd bday. Passed without celebration. May 25th my last day of chemo. I never had my menstrual cycle again. I can never have children. September 2016 I start getting cramps in my calves so severe it curled my feet and I couldn't walk or straighten out my feet. SO painful. Then it happens in my stomach and I could not stand up straight. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia when I was 22 but I chose not to believe it. Now I get two more opinions, without telling them my previous diagnoses. My Dr says if I don't quit my job it will kill me. The atmosphere was beyond anything I have ever seen. It seems like every day it's a new symptom. I'm so stressed at work that I vomit until I pee my pants. In addition, during this time I develop a polyp inside my vagina that feels like it's on fire and raw and so painful to sit, I worked in an office... They cut it off. OMG I would almost rather have kidney stones. They also do a pap smear at the same time. They call me at work to inform me that I have HPV and the cells are active so I need to come in every year for a check up until they are no longer active. I don't understand it but I do know that I gave it to my husband 100% sure, even though there's no test. He doesn't deserve to be in my life. All I've brought him is pain and yet he says I saved his life. He says I'm enough and he doesn't care if he has kids, I'm enough. I want kids, I've never imagined my life without them. I loved all my friends kids. The polyp returns almost immediately this time she "scoops" it out making sure to get the roots. It comes back immediately. She doesn't believe it so they keep telling me it just needs to heal. Nope, it came back so to make sure she got it all she did an apisotomy. Believe it or not this caused pain for 18 months. My husband is a saint. April 2019 My husband gets a promotion and we move to one of the most beautiful vacation spots. I want to do foster care. I want to help children and hopefully have the family and life I always wanted. September 2019 After a horrible 9 month process, that was supposed to be 90 days max, we are licenced. November 14th we get the call that a 13 year old boy needs to be moved because it's not working out, but he's very sweet and just needs to feel wanted and loved unconditionaly. It's been hell. He has ODD, PTSD, and ADHD that has yet to be treated. Anytime his phone is threatened he throws a 4 to 5 hour fit of banging on the walls and door, throwing things, yelling insults at my husband who works very hard, at a job he hates, to provide for us. If my husband is not around he thinks it's funny to rub his penis on me. He's obsessed with it and he has ODD so anything I say just eggs him on. I didn't want to say anything because I wasn't sure how my husband would take it. I figured he just wanted a reaction Last week I was playing Minecraft on my phone with him and my back was to him. He says my name and all of a sudden his erect penis is in my face. I had my hands in fists and he kept trying to pry my hand apart to grab it. My eyes were closed because I didn't want to look at his penis and I heard him say something about putting it in my mouth. I kept my lips together but he ran his penis across my mouth and gave a giddy giggle and said "now you've tasted my penis". I shoved him as hard as I could. Before I could leave he ejaculated. I feel dirty. I feel like a pedophile. Who is going to believe me when there is no history of sex acts before? What about my husband? He opened his heart and home for me and this is his thanks. He lies about everything even when confronted with the truth. I told his counselor because he needs help, they said it was confidential. Saturday morning CPS shows up and my husband has no idea what's going on. His findings are that I should have said something sooner but there is no neglect. He makes me promise if it happens again I would call 911. Oh and BTW the social worker knew he was over sexed and aggressive with other kids, yet she even talked to me about getting more kids without saying a word. Had I known, I would have said something the minute he took his penis out. But I don't think it would have made a difference. Monday he comes out of his shower naked so I can look at his rash right next to his balls. Even a visit from CPS didn't phase him. Later that night he worked himself into such a state that he was reaching for the knives. I called 911, for the third time in 7 days. My husband came home to 3 police cars, and three cops, he knows all the cops from his job, and we live in a town of 1,200. The closest big city is 4,000 large. The cops had to break into Michael's room and it was a shit show. They said he has no respect for anyone and until he does he doesn't deserve the privilege of a cell phone and if he was their kid they would take it away until he shows respect. After they left he started throwing things at my husband's head. When we locked the door he almost broke it down so I made my husband unlock it. More items and vulgar insults thrown. When our downstairs neighbor said she was calling 911 he finally stopped because he said if they come twice in one night they automatically take him to juvi?! I don't know, he lies about everything. I'm so conflicted. I told him I would love him unconditionaly so what does that say if one more person fails him? We are his fifth home in 3 years and he spent a lot of time in respite because they needed a break. I'm exhausted mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. All I do is cry. All my husband does is worry because CPS made me tell him. All my husband said was "do you know how bad I want to beat his ass? I need to take the dog out so I can cool down. He came back in 2 minutes and treated Michael great and took him to his favorite game store so he could play Magic. Don't even get me started on the first 40 years of my life, they weren't any better. Even if no one reads this I needed to get it out.
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