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So, I just started on Adderall... Can anyone else relate?
So I went in to see a psychiatrist about my burnout at work and the doc put me on Adderall for ADHD (I asked for Provigil but he said the FDA denied approval of Provigil for ADHD because 1 guy in a clinical study of 1000 people got a rash due to an interaction with seizure meds, and that I would have to go through narcolepsy and sleep apnea testing for approval). He said to start small, a half pill twice a day and gradually increase the dose up to three pills per day and then start modifying the dose based on what is the most effective for me, with a follow up consult in two months.
Day 1. Took a half pill (10mg) at noon. Got no work done because it made me so chatty I spent the entire rest of the day finding people to talk to and making THEM unproductive. Went home, seemed to come down pretty hard, but then I couldn't sleep so I read Ender's Game until 4 in the morning at which point I just crashed.
Day 2. Woke up at 7, took a half pill, finished Ender's Game, had breakfast, realized the pill increases my libido when my wife initiated sex, compulsively cleaned up the entire kitchen, then went on the computer to work on my notes for an RPG I'm planning to GM soon. Take a second half pill at noon, then all of a sudden it was 7 in the evening, I had spent the entire day working on my RPG notes, my wife was extraordinarily pissed off, and I still couldn't stop working on it. Finally I closed down OpenOffice and Firefox, pulled myself away from the computer, and made amends with my wife. Spent the next two hours fixing a Magic deck and building another. Finally went to bed around 11, sleep was fairly erratic.
Day 3 (today). Woke up in a state of extreme sexual arousal. Took a half pill and had sex again (We're usually only 2-3 times a week). Spent the morning reading Reddit, discussing a computer game I'm writing with the people I'm writing it fowith, and commenting the crap out of people's statuses and pictures on Facebook. Which brings us to right now.
Overall, I feel like I'm still not able to direct my mind to what I focus my energy on, but the things I'm focused on are super intense. I definitely don't get a sense of "my God, this is going to take too long" like I normally do on extended tasks. Also, rather than craving mental stimulation and brooding about how bored I am, instead I'm going and finding something to do and doing it, which is probably a positive. But I don't think I've been idle for more than 3 minutes except to sleep since I started this dosage.
So I can kind of understand why this is a popular recreational drug.
Anyone else who takes Adderall experience symptoms like this? Do the side effects like chattiness and insomnia go away? Will a higher dose help me direct my mental energy better? Would a higher dose increase the side effects as well? If I increase the dose am I gonna get hooked?
I am sure I have Adult ADHD. I was diagnosed at 9, I have always tested through the roof for symptoms in both self-evaluations and administered evaluations. I was on Ritalin until freshman year in high school, then when I started having fights with my mom over the pressure she was putting on me to get into college senior year, they put me on Wellbutrin, which I stayed on until freshman year in college. I graduated college with a B-minus average because the stress was too much and my coping skills with the disorder just weren't good enough. I went back on Wellbutrin for half a year or so when my parents got divorced, and it helped with depression symptoms but I switched jobs and my new insurance wouldn't cover it.
To the "you just need to pull yourself up by your own bootstraps" type responses: I've done variably well over the years at doing this. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. For the past couple months it doesn't, I have tried lots of things to get past it, and I've finally decided I need the push. This is in no way an impulsive decision. I would certainly rather solve this without drugs but I don't feel like I have a choice right now.
To the "you were misdiagnosed/you had the wrong results/etc and you shouldn't be on adderall" and the "it's a drug and it's dangerous and you shouldn't be taking it" people: I'll be happy to take your medical and psychiatric credentials now, at which point I will be happy to hand you my medical records and undergo a thorough examination on your part.
I'm more than happy to listen to experiences, good and bad, with ADHD and Adderall, and how they compare to mine. But I'm not here to get into a flame war about the controversies surrounding Adderall and ADHD. My doctor and I will decide whether the Adderall treatment is best and whether I truly have a case of bona fide ADHD.
Need advice: Mentally ill and losing my one source of comfort
First of all, I'd just like to thank all the kind people on this subreddit. I've just found out about it, and seeing all the kindness really makes me feel more comfortable sharing this. I've already tried to bring my troubles to many people, including my therapist, my loving family, friends, and several other subreddits, but I'd either be met with vague metaphors, the same repeated advice on "mindfullness," more questions instead of answers, or snarky replies. I hope this time will be a bit different.
I'm a 17 year old girl. I was born in Colorado, where I lived happily thinking my parents were married but turns out they weren't and there was a constant custody battle. We moved to Idaho, then my mom took me and my sister to Washington where we've lived for about 9 years. My mental illness is both genetic and situational. I have severe depresssion, severe generalized/social anxiety disorder, OCD, trichotillomania, dermotillomania, and.. something else. At first we thought it was ADD, autism, or asperger's, but all attempts at diagnosing it came back negative. Trich/dermo is a symptom of my OCD, I think, along with very obsessively intrusive thoughts. I also seem to chronically have some kind of problem with sleep which makes me stay awake for very long periods of time. My sleeping schedule usually cycles into being awake at night and sleep in the day, then cycles back. Sometimes I'll stay awake until I start to hallucinate. At that point I convince myself to sleep.
My mom suffered from slight trichotillomania as a child but grew out of it. There is a history of depression and mental illness in the women of my family. I seem to have gotten my horrible brain from my biological grandmother who had my mother at 15 and was generally a wreck from what i've heard.
I was bullied incessantly in my early school life, I never had any real friends and the ones I made went away quickly. There was one student who stalked me for 8 years of my education life and told lies about me to anyone who would dare talk to me, telling friends I 'hated them,' which i found out for the first time when one of these friends finally told me. I dropped out of school and thankfully have gotten away from this person. However, I'm used to having absolutely no social life. Every day in school was spent completely alone. During recess I would just walk around and think about stuff, I would think and imagine so much to occupy myself that I literally couldn't see anymore, but after doing this over and over again I was able to put my body on autopilot during these times, doing laps around the schoolyard. This is how I spent all of my free time in school, day after day.
However, when I got home, I would jump on the internet if my mother allowed me. Most of the time, my other family members would be on the one computer we had, and I had to spend my time stressing the fuck out like I always did, trying to occupy my brain by thinking of whatever I could. I would make complex stories, complex characters, think out scenarios, imagine up entire movies in my head, most of the time to music.
One thing to mention: It's impossible for me to do nothing and be content. Rarely am I having fun when thinking, drawing, playing video games, browsing reddit. It piques my interest, occupies my mind, but it's not fun. I'd explain it as more of a distraction. When I'm stripped of my privilege to be online, the stress pours in to the point it's unbearable. I dropped out of school when I started having panic attacks 3 hours into the school day.
Nowadays I hardly leave my bed. My family supports me and I'm entirely dependent on them. (God I love them, I don't know what I'd do without them emotionally or physically) All I do is do stuff on my laptop, which my father gave to me. (We don't live with him, my parents are divorced, I live with my mom and sister) We are very poor and most everything we own is a gift. On the laptop I draw, play, write, talk, listen to music, whatever you do on the internet. I'm trying to gain weight as I've been unhealthily underweight for a long time but it's like all the food I eat disappears into nowhere. One week me and my family tried really hard. My mom made sure tons of food was easily accessible (which it usually isn't. My mom barely has enough money to buy food, our grandfather pays our rent.) And I made sure to eat 3 meals a day and any snacks if I felt like it. I lost weight. It's infuriating. For most people that would be a dream come true. It's not. When I go from laying to sitting up my vision goes black, my ears ring, and my body goes limp. Walking makes my legs burn.
I take a lot of medication, but it does next to nothing. I think the biggest thing it's done for me is make me more docile, but it's definitely not anywhere near a cure. Life is still one hell of a fucking struggle for me, even with 6 different medications.
So uh, wow that's a lot of text. Sorry for going on so long. Let me get to the meat of this:
My laptop's warranty has expired and it seems to be falling apart. It's a dell laptop, infamously terrible. It's gotten to the point that my laptop can no longer run chrome, I'm using firefox to type this. I'm not sure what else it would be able to run without freezing up. From diagnostics I can tell the hard drive and processor are failing. My family cannot afford to get it repaired or buy a new one. My mother also likes to use our other computer in our free time and I'd hate to take that away from her since she loves playing innovative games on it. I'd hate going back to rarely being able to use the computer when it's literally the only thing I ever feel like doing.
I've tried saving up money by doing art, but it seems like my ability to draw is fading away. It's extremely hard now, my drawings never, ever look anywhere near how I want them to. My style is becoming very strange and I like my old art more. I can rarely draw, otherwise I would be making a lot of money from commissions. Surprisingly a lot of people like my art and have paid money for it, but nowadays it takes so long to do the simplest of drawings and I get so insanely frustrated while drawing. It seems my art is a roulette filled with horrible days with the smallest tack being a good day, but only for very specific things. Oh, hey, you can draw for the first time in 3 months. But it has to be just birds. Anything else is bad. Oh, you can draw again. Lizards. Sorry.
I cannot hold a job. I cannot hold a job I've considered it, I've considered it really hard and thought over it and brooded over it constantly and god, everything would be so much better if I could just fucking work. But I know, I know, not think, know, that I can't handle it. I won't handle it. It's too much like school. Just thinking about anything that remotely reminds me of school makes it hard to breathe.
I'm not asking for money. I'm just asking for advice. Help. Sources maybe? I'm still saving up money, just very very slowly, but my only way to make money is by using my wacom tablet to draw on my laptop. But my laptop is failing and it won't last much longer. There's nothing I can do to repair it, no way I can make enough money in time. And, big surprise, trying to tell me to be motivated doesn't work. I'm asking for help. What can I do? What am I actually able to do?
And I don't want to make my mother use more money on me than she already is. I can't do that to her. Sorry, me.
God sorry this is all over the place. I know there's no magic thing to solve this. But a mentally unstable girl can dream, I guess. And if you read this at all, thank you. Just pouring myself out on internet-paper to complete strangers takes my mind off the anxiety a bit.
Also I need to add one thing that's kind of important. After moving here we found a stray cat that was in my family for 8 years until he passed away. For a long time he acted as a sort of therapy animal. When struck with nothing to do and overwhelming anxiety he would seek me out and comfort me. We found him when he was 15 and lived to 23 and his death has been a huge hit on my mental health. Now, when I can only think, such as when I'm sleeping or showering, I break down into tears. All I can really do is avoid thinking about him, but during those times where I'd need him, such as late at night when I'm still awake and everyone else is asleep, it's unbearable.